Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
For anyone who needs this today
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Where’s my employee discount too?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?