Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.