@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

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@Donna_McCoy

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

@jewfacekilla

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

@KatWar1

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

@SortaBad

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@MomofTeen

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.