@DurtMcHurtt

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

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@meantomyself

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

@ka_waltz

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

@murrman5

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

@lifeisforkedup

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

@riscfuture

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

@Shade510

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean