Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.