@DurtMcHurtt
@meantomyself My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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@meantomyself 
@ka_waltz to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
@ArfMeasures ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
@madsalsasauce Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
@murrman5 [parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
@lifeisforkedup Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
@riscfuture Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
@Shade510 * on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
@AmericanGent69 *Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
@ShortSleeveSuit [in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean