My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean