Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
They also CAN sing✌️
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Guys, I found it.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.