Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
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The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Hey I worked for it too!
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.