Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
You Might Also Like
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.