If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
*My Gym Schedule*
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…