Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
What is going on? 😅
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.