Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
This anagram machine is out of order.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
Fun Things
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Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.