women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.