Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
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Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
waiting for halloween be like:
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM