Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that