women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.