Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Animal poetry
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
channeling her this year
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*