Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.