Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My what?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.