wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
do u think theres a butter planet?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.