Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”