Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.