Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
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Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf