Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
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[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Running from your problems is cardio .
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese