*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks