[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/