“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.