Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
You have been warned.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat