Wooden pews are designed to maximize the shame of farting in church.
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
“I FIXED IT!”
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Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”