Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
scared to check what name she chose