Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
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It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
my first dose meeting my second
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.