Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag