woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
White parent Vs Arab parents