Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
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WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.