word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
scares
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send