Word.
~ Microsoft.
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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Raisins are grape jerky.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me irl
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake