Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
If only.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.