Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
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just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
choose your fighter
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Beauty and the Beast
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals