Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly