Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
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“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.