Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
You Might Also Like
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe