wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
“and how does that make you feel?”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Pandas 🐼🖤
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.