wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
felt that
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.