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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and youβre just like, βI know how to do literally none of thisβ?
copilot: youβre leaning on the intercom.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
6y/o: I donβt want to be a hunter when I grow up. I donβt want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: Iβm going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larryβs mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? Youβre all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
βHow would you like your eggs?β
βWhipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.β
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, Iβll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Filmmaker: βI made a documentary.β
Netflix Exec: βGreat. How much footage do you have?β
Filmmaker: βAbout 15 minutes.β
Netflix Exec: βSold. Weβll release it as four 1-hour episodes.β
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.