Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
They also CAN sing✌️
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.