@wolfevanmural

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

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@junejuly12

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

@bartandsoul

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

@ristolable

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

@AndreyasAsylum

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

@UncleDuke1969

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

@krisv_723

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

@PinkCamoTO

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.