Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.


Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”


Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station


Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.


Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.


when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak


Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.


*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.


I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.