Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
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[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
This is so me 😂😂
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
This raises questions
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
knights of the ikea table
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots