#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH