Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
what’s more important?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.