[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
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Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm