WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
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My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear