“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
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When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?