Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Not today. 😅
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.