Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
And then there were 4
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?