If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.