Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
remember
only for emergencies
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.